Friday, January 30, 2009

Cupcakes vs. Donuts: It’s On!

Cupcakes are pretty, certainly. They are often decorated with lovely flowers and are sold in bakeries that are precious, too. So what if they are $7 a piece? They were on Sex & the City. They are like individual works of art. Like edible sculptures. Deal with it.

They are also a very silly pursuit. And a lot of needless work. First you have to deal with that wrapper. On a baked good. A wrapper. Exactly. Then, if it has a lot of icing, you wind up getting some icing on your face. Especially if you happen to attack a baked good like that tiger on Roy. Or like, uh, two people we know.

To be honest with you, if we are going to waste hundreds of calories in a single sitting, we’re going to do it while exerting as little energy as possible. Cupcakes are energy. We have a much better solution. One we like to call, the thinking person’s portable munchie.

What would that be? Donuts, fool. Donuts are more no-nonsense and better reflect the desire to overeat. Because a cupcake is a dessert, it's an event. While a donut could be considered a snack, especially if you are delusional. cough cough

Donuts seem more utilitarian. And there are far more creative flavors. There is not a cupcake alive that could cope with the majesty of a coconut cream donut from The Donut Plant, which is sort of like Heaven, only with iced mango and chunky-peanut-butter-and-jelly donuts. It's way downtown in NYC but we'd pull a rickshaw filled with The Biggest Losers for their Italian plum jelly donuts.

Another benefit of donuts is that they are clearly meant for no-fuss consumption. First of all, they are cleverly designed with a hole in their midst, to cut down on wind resistance, meaning they get to our gnashing teeth sooner. That’s science. And if you don’t think that extra fraction of a second will help us during a meal, you haven’t been spending time with TFW’s, especially after we’ve been drinking heavily.

Then again, when those are the conditions, we’re not really sure a live duck with a truffle tied around its neck would be safe.

Wait, is that bad?

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