Up until yesterday, we thought we had found the perfect job for us in this post-Apocalyptic economy. For we are multi-lingual, multi-talented, occasionally multi-vitamined individuals who are easily adaptable to any work environment that permits a fridge and rotisserie grille (okay, that’s a stretch, but not by much.)
So when the light bulb went off the other day, we could scarcely believe our luck at having such a great idea. Finally, we were ready to transition from people who eat at work to people who eat for work.
Our new idea was simple: we would be starting a consulting firm that advised chain restaurants what to name their new menu selections. Check this out: Not content with merely eating it, we would be offering our services, traveling around the country in Bourdain's private jet that we boosted in Madagascar (sorry, TB) and demonstrating to the fast food titans how to draw attention to their menus in this time of need.
We would first do this by sampling everything their restaurant serves. To get to know them better, understand. Because, when you go in cold, mistakes happen. For example, we would never have come up with Hardees Monster Thickburger. Terrible name. Our key criteria would be the name had to evoke deliciousness and illicitness in equal parts.
So anyway, we were far along enough to begin thinking of what we were going to call ourselves. It was a pitched battle. Neither of us wanted to give quarter, or to talk with our mouths full, so we never managed to come to a consensus. That should have told us something about our naming abilities. And yet it did not.
No matter. Because, as we were preparing the menu for our launch party (you can't even imagine) we came across something that made The Food Whisperers realize that we had been beaten to to the punch.
It came in the form of a hulking, scary-yet-enticing, 2040-calorie, 150-gram of fat item on the menu of Chili's. Introducing: "Chili's Smokehouse Bacon Triple-The-Cheese Big Mouth Burger with Jalapeno Ranch Dressing".
We know: perfection.
Damn you, Chili’s Smokehouse Bacon Triple-The-Cheese Big Mouth Burger with Jalapeno Ranch Dressing! Damn you straight to hell!