Holiday eating is not without its consequences, especially in a world where all pants are not of the sweatpant variety. You know, with an elastic waist.
Because when you send a few consecutive days chewing and swallowing everything that is either salty or sweet, there is no exercise in the world that will prevent weight gain. Our solution for next year is simple: to wear jumpsuits.
After careful analysis, we have concluded that a zip-front, one-piece racing suit is invaluable for aggressive eaters such as ourselves. Beyond the obvious style points, it will also, crucially, permit the kind of motion that one needs to reach across the coffee table to scarf yet another appetizer, while pretending to listen to what someone is saying about their kids.
And instead of being sponsored by car companies and such, we will affix patches that pay tribute to our favorite brands. Hostess, Entemanns and Wonka. Or even a photograph of a giant piece of cheese on the back. Whatever. We are still brainstorming, remember.
Toward the end, we have begun reaching out to designers to make our dream a reality. Perhaps Halston. Or Margiela. Whoever it may turn out to be, we know two thing about our jumpsuits: 1) they will match and 2) we will look totally badass as we rapidly fill them up.
For better or worse.